Boundaries, Values, and Healthy Relationships Quiz

Boundary work can be difficult, especially if we feel our rules and limits have not been respected by others and have felt overwhelming to maintain. This is because it invites us to look at how we might have been treated growing up and how that impacted us.

By Samantha Newport.

Personal boundaries are a variety of rules and limits you set within relationships, so to keep you safe and feeling respected. Everyone’s boundaries are different – what might be a boundary for one person, might not be for another, and how such are maintained can look very different between people too. Ultimately, boundaries are perimeters; separating what is “ok”, and what is not [for you].

For these following questions, use a piece of paper and a pen, the notes page in your phone or just consider them in your mind. The questions in this article are to invite you to reflect on your boundaries, values, and relationships and therefore how you might wish to strengthen them.

Reflect upon three people in your life (past or present) where you have held a specific type of boundary in specific ways:

1. What did that look like?

2. Did boundaries vary between these three people? How and why?

3. How does it feel when exercising boundaries with these people?

4. Have these boundaries ever been challenged? What was that like and what did you do?

A ‘value’ is something that is important to you. It is important for our boundaries to reflect what our values are, so that we are living with personal integrity; ensuring that our boundaries are serving us with a clear purpose relevant to our lives.

For example, if you are someone who values maintaining quality self-care and having regular time with family and friends, you might feel that a busy schedule can negatively impact you. Therefore, placing boundaries to reflect what you value here, might look like having a clear schedule that is time-bounded, with non-negotiables slotted into your week that is for seeing the people you care about and doing the things your enjoy; to preserve and maximise overall well-being.

1. What are your top values in life? What are the things/experiences you prize most?

2. Do your boundaries preserve these values? How?

3. If not, how might you put some relevant boundaries in place? What would this look like?

Now, I invite you to reflect upon what it means to have a healthy relationship. This does not have to mean romantically. This can be with a parent, child, friend, boss or colleague.

1. What defines a healthy relationship to you?

2. What kind of boundaries might exist within a healthy relationship?

3. How does this feel?

It is useful to reflect on the relationships we have, as the people who most greatly influence us will serve as templates as to how we set our boundaries. This means that positive influences in our lives will likely mean positive boundary-setting, as this is what is being modelled. However, unhealthy relationships might mean the way in which we set boundaries are equally unhealthy – such as being too rigid, porous, or not there at all.

1. Reflect on someone who has featured significantly in your life. What has your relationship been like with them?

2. What have your boundaries been like with this person? How has that felt?

3. What are their own boundaries like?

4. What might have this person taught you about boundaries?

Peoples’ boundaries, as discussed, vary regarding what they concern and also varies between people. This means that boundaries can be ridged or porous sometimes, and not necessarily helpful or safe.  

For example, if someone has rigid boundaries, they might be reluctant to ask for help from others. They may be protective and wary about sharing personal details about themselves, as well as be avoidant of close and meaningful relationships (which may also indicate an Avoidant Attachment Style).

1. What might be a problem with this type of boundary-setting?

2. What might be a benefit from this type of boundary-setting?

3. Can you think of any parts of life where you might have displayed rigid boundaries? What was this like? What was the consequence? And how did it feel?

By contrast, when someone has porous boundaries, they may overshare personal details and stories. They may struggle to say “no” to others, and can be greatly concerned with the opinions of those around them.

1. What could be the problem with porous boundaries?

2. What might the benefits be?

3. Can you describe an event where you might have had porous boundaries? What was this like? What was the consequence? And how did it feel?

In relationships that feel positive and healthy, equally positive and healthy boundaries may form in ways that feel natural, easy, and without thought. This may indicate that the other person knows how to have appropriate interactions with others and how to value themselves; intuitively respecting boundaries of others and that of their own.

However, in some relationships maintaining healthy and functioning boundaries can be incredibly hard and even feel impossible. This might be due to your own relationship with boundaries, such as from the modelling you might have experienced (as earlier described) or because you might be interacting with someone who has had difficulty with that themselves, and so pushes the boundaries of others or can react badly to them when attempted to be upheld.

1. Have you ever faced challenges when trying to set or maintain boundaries?

2. Did you overcome this? If so, how?

3. How did that feel?

4. Is there anything you feel you’d need to change going forward?

5. How might you do this?

Boundary work can be difficult, especially if we feel our rules and limits have not been respected by others and have felt overwhelming to maintain. This is because it invites us to look at how we might have been treated growing up and how that impacted us.

Recognising that change might be needed in how we form and maintain boundaries is not a quick-fix – we don’t “become aware” and suddenly everything is changed. It takes patience, kindness, and time. I invite you to focus on being curious about your boundaries and relationships – how they look and feel. From there, you can decide what you might wish to test-out changing.

Start working with the “low hills” before moving up to the “mountains”. Allow yourself to take time with implementing change, and be kind with yourself throughout doing so.

By Samantha Newport.

Want to learn more about boundaries and how to nurture them? Explore our library, here.